so...the troutmans here are huge fans of reece's cereal, and now that peanut butter capn' crunch has bit the dust (r.i.p.), it's the only cereal that can offer us our peanut buttery needs. so i've noticed on the back of the box, that lately they've got this "do you like a challenge section" with "18 things to do before you are 18". so not only do i find this offensive that they assume that their biggest eaters (no pun intended) are under 18, but their list is completely lame. listen to this:
01: ride the world's biggest rollercoaster - dare to keep your eyes open and hands in the air for the whole ride.
um. so am i completely crazy to think that this is the lamest number one thing for me to do before i turn 18? this was not even a goal of mine considering the fact that i get completely sick on all things that move, but i've also seen shows about the lame-o's that travel around to all the different openings of roller coasters...and no thanks. maybe one of them wrote this list.
02: bungee jump! - scared? at 700ft, the bloukran's river bridge in south africa is the biggest.
so, i guess there are bungee jumping lame-o's out there too. seriously? if i'm under the age of 18, i doubt my parents would a) pay for and b) encourage me to travel across the ocean to jump off a cliff.
03: score the winning goal/basket - remind all your friends at every given opportunity.
okay reece's puffs. there's a higher chance that i would do the above too than score any kind of winning anything. scratch that. scoring at all. and encouraging you to be an ass about it? that's why the roller coaster and bungee jumpin' lame-o's didn't have friends and got into roller coasters and bungee jumping anyways.
04: win an award, trophy or prize - write that acceptance speech and thank the world.
luckily, the first part of this one is general enough that most people could do it, i mean even chuck e. cheese gives out prizes, but the acceptance speech. at the rate this call for social suicide is going, i'm guessing the next one is going to be "be homeschooled".
05: learn an instrument - no air guitar
okay. i was wrong about being homeschooled. this one was legitimate before it said no air guitar. that rules out all those kids that feel like being good at guitar hero means that they really can play the guitar, and in that case, no will be able to achieve this goal.
06: go backstage at a gig - it'll be something you'll boast about for years to come.
yeah. they said gig. that's all i feel i need to say about that one.
07: meet your idol - being a celebrity stalker might not go down too well.
gig? idol? and...i'm pretty sure to meet your idol, you might have to stalk them a little bit. and we all know that i don't have a problem with stalking...
08: play a part in your favorite tv show - be an extra and learn to speak without talking.
oh. okay. i'll just fly somewhere and walk onto set. since they said it that way!!
09: meet someone with your own name - with a world population of 6 billion is should be easy.
i find this really internet stalking creepy. and lucky for me, i met kimberly johnson when i was in pre-cal my sophomore year of high school. but i guess...now i have to find kimberly troutman. damn it.
10: make a discovery - whatever the discovery, make sure it is named after you.
am i the only one bored with these? what do they think? we are columbus? and going to step out and walk on new unfound land? or look into the sky with our weeny telescopes and find a new star that no TRAINED eye has found? i think someone's GIG is up.
11: get away with the perfect practical joke - be careful of retaliation, it could end in tears.
i'm pretty sure they were going to say the perfect murder but the h.r. department said that they couldn't for legal reasons. but, for their own benefit, i don't practical joke for my own fear of retaliation.
12: own a pointless collection - one person's junk is another persons prized possession.
um. there's one more way to alienate yourself. like collecting star wars toys??!!?? we all know what happens to THOSE people.
13: invent a word that makes it into the dictionary - maike it a part of your crew's lingo.
there they go using their late 50's adult lingo again. your "crew"? ugh. and also, making the dictionary and having my friends say a word are too completely different things. remember yidey? yeah. i made that word up. but it's not in the dictionary, so i have failed yet again.
14: conquer your biggest fear - if you're too scared, try hypnotism.
does anyone else find this a bit drastic for teenagers? if hypnotism doesn't work, try drugs, sex, and alcohol.
15: raise money for charity - get some exercise by signing up for a charity road race.
okay. this one is actually a little legitimate. i can't make fun of it.
16: pass your driving test the first time - go straight to the next task.
i was going to say that i never knew anyone who failed their drivers test, but then i remembered my own mother couldn't parallel park and had to retake hers. sorry mom.
17: complete a road trip coast to coast - route 66 originally ran from chicago to santa monica.
um...that's still not coast to coast. and what parent would let their teenager go and drive coast to coast after JUST getting their license (or at least i hope they didn't fail 16. there's no way to make that one up).
18: reach 18 years of age! - embrace old age.
if that's not morbid, they i don't know what is. "at least live until your 18 to know if you are a failure or not!"
so, being that a) this is lame, and b) i was 18 way before this was put out, i'm disregarding them all. and if that 50 year old collector, bungee jumping, roller coaster loving lame-o decides to write a 30 things to do before 30, i might consider a) attempting them, b) feeling guilty if i fail, or c) care nothing about them. knowing how this persons "challenges" are, i think i'll stick with c.
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